You really want to know the truth behind that?

I was listening to a radio station going into work today that had Professor Griff from Public Enemy on. For those of you who don't know, Griff was the guy is this controversial rap group that the others felt was too controversial. Today he was spouting off on topics like how AIDS was a government experiment to kill black people, Christianity is a farce because Jesus really wasn't born on Dec. 25, and 9/11 was a complete and total attack on America straight from the Bush administration. You know, regular suppertime talk. According to him, America isn't even a government. It's a corporation and we are all the little inbred animals on the island to its Dr. Moreau.

It all got me to thinking. You know, I've got some conspiracy theories of my own, and it's time for the world to know the truth...

Politicians: They're all corrupt. Every last one of 'em except for maybe the small town mayor who has lived there ever since he was a kid. People already know all of his/her skeletons. Everyone above that has jumped in bed (literally or figuratively) with someone their supporters wouldn't like. When it comes votin' time, pick the one who is emitting the lowest level of stench.

Wal Mart check out lines: At no point (even at Christmas) will every single register be open and working properly. It's their way of making you wait in line so you'll get bored and buy some gum, candy or a magazine that's not worth the bird poo it will eventually be catching.

Atlanta traffic: The lady talking on the cell phone will always end up in front of me and slowing down or behind me, causing me to sprout three new gray hairs on every slowdown in the anticipation I'm going to get the new-guy-at-Attica treatment. This is all connected to the tire and automotive companies causing me to have to get my car fixed and replaced, lining their pockets with my money.

Playground equipment manufacturers: Didn't think I was going to let them off, did you? Oh yeah! No longer do you see jungle gym contraptions where you might break your skull after falling from the top and bouncing through the bars to the bottom like a human plinko chip. The fun you had before the humpty dumpty routine was worth it, pretty much. Overcautious companies and sue-happy parents have taken this fun out of childhood. Every kid needs to experience one trip to the ER or have knocked themselves out while trying to imitate an older sibling. The conspiracy here is to make us all wusses who won't attempt a marginally-stupid feat simply in respond to those words "Betcha won't!". America needs its cajones back and it starts by toughening up on playgrounds.

and finally ...

Mechanics, doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, deliverymen, kindergarten workers, drive-through people, and air traffic controllers: Basically anyone who has a leg up on information that affects me and I have to trust them. We're all over a barrel here in dealing with these people and taking their word for it. One day I can see where they all ban together at the perfect moment because the rest of us are in perfect alignment for a downfall, orchestrated by this group. This day will come. There's no fighting it.

After all, these people are all part of one big corporation.

Rammer jammer

It's been three days since Alabama smoked Florida and I'm still squealing like an excited schoolgirl about it. I tend to get excited when watching Bama play, but for the first two quarters I was running around, jumping and yelling in my living room like my Prozac subscription was WAY overdue. For some reason when I get excited watching football my voice tends to start sounding blacker, like when Will Smith talked junk to the crashed alien in Independence Day.

Back to what's right and good in the world. We Bama fans have been waiting for a win like this since, well, the '99 SEC Championship game against Florida. That was sweet in its own way for being in a championship game and seeing Steve Spurrier turn various shades of cherry Kool-Aid, but the win Saturday had its plusses as well.

One of those plusses was that Urban Meyer saw how an offense whose plays look like they were drawn up in the dirt in the backyard might work in the Mountain West, but not the SEC. Athletes here are a little bit faster. The greatest thing was seeing UA returning to the ranks of the elite. It just feels like the universe is back in order.

We can't get too cocky though. After Tyrone Prothro's TD on Bama's first play from scrimmage, my wife and I were running around and screaming, much in the same way when Freddie Milons returned the first punt of the year for a score agains UCLA in the 2000 season opener. That was the highlight of the year. The Tide stumbled the rest of the season.

This team is different though. Although this year's defense is not the '92 unit, they're tough. Brodie seems to be gearing up for three years of frustration to erupt in one final season of dominance. Kenneth Darby is one of those elite backs who somehow goes unnoticed until he's running over and around you for a buck-twenty.

Oh yes. Things are good in Bama nation. Rolllllll Tiiiiiiide!!!